Has My ADD Been Healed?

Only as I finished writing this is it dawning on me that my ADD has been largely healed--and will remain so upon the condition that I rely on His grace. For,  

"...if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." 

--ETHER 12:27 

I had a wonderful day at the temple two days ago. Had only planned on being there for a couple hours. After a couple promptings, however, it turned into a full day of worship. While tired from fasting and service, it was a day of peace and my heart overflowed with gratitude. 

 

I awoke yesterday morning to some loneliness at having no companion with me to share this experience. In my scripture studies I read Matthew 7:7-8 (...ask and it shall be given you). 

I felt prompted to ask about my prospects for a future companion. 

He replied by telling me that, though less than ideal, I was still married and to not ask more about this topic until I was no longer married. 

What a loving rebuke! Even as I prayed, part of me hoped for this kind of non-answer. There is so much work I have to do on myself right now that I know it would do me no good to speculate on what my future holds. He knows how much I can handle and will not allow me to see too far into the future. 

He knows that I cannot handle too much distraction. 

I cannot believe I have lived all my life being so easily distracted by so many outside pushings and pullings. Many things always tugging me this way and that. If you have ADD and understand the difficulty of sitting still, focusing on one thing at a time, then you get what I'm talking about. What an impossibility!

Only it's not.

Since I've been going through this spiritual rebirth, it is as though blinders have been put outside my eyes. When I walk into my empty house from a long day at work, I no longer see bills, messes to clean up, things that need to be fixed, questions about what to prepare for tomorrow. In short, I no longer feel harangued by a thousand little--and some big--things to take care of. 

I see One Thing. It might be to prepare dinner. Or wash the dishes. Whatever it is, it is always One Thing. When that One Thing is complete, there will be another One Thing. He knows I can handle One Thing at a time. So it's as if He funnels it all into a bottleneck, where I take up that One Thing. Then onto the next.

Each thing on my to-do list is standing in line and must take its turn. They may have entered my life, but they are now required to take a number and wait. The tail is no longer wagging the dog. Mostly. I'm okay with mostly.

It sounds odd as I write this. How can you force your troubles to stand in line and take their turn? I don't know how He does it, but I think of the term quickening. It is a gospel word I do not understand well. I just now searched and found that it means to change a person so that he can be in the presence of God. 

This is not what I mean. I've always thought of the word quickening to mean not one unnecessary thought.

To use an analogy, good writing is considered tight, focused, without any useless or unnecessary words. I love good writing. Who doesn't? 

My thoughts have become like good writing. There are so fewer useless, unnecessary thoughts it amazes me.

As I imagine this, it is so powerful. I know that it does not come from me. It is yet one more gift. I have received so many gifts I am humbled.

And these gifts are so individual, so very practical. They collectively tell me that God knows me and He loves me and wants me to be happy. 

What is He doing in your life right now that shows you He knows you, loves you, and wants you to be happy?

A Letter From God

On the night of November 19, 2017 I could not sleep. I lay awake, my mind racing for hours, thoughts tumbling over each other, refusing to be caught. 

I had a lot to think about. My life was in flux. Within two weeks I would be leaving a secure job, great friends, looking for work, finding a new place to live, working out child custody specifics with a separated spouse, continuing my grief journey, and a slew of other future unknowns. To say I was overwhelmed would be an understatement.

Though blessings had been abundant in this new tumultuous life, each day brought new hills to climb and more pain to endure. It seemed that for every blessing received, a new trial emerged. 

And yet, the Lord blessed me with a time of rest after my depression was healed. How grateful I am in hindsight for that eight-week rest. No doubt He knew of the trial that lay ahead.

Anxiety comes from fear. I didn't know that before. When my wife asked for a divorce I tumbled from the mountain-high perch I'd stood on for eight glorious weeks and fell back to earth full of fear.

I can't remember the order of all the emotions that coursed through me and when. They are a jumbled mess in my mind. There was grief, shock, hopelessness, anger, sadness, fear, and more.

As I remember these emotions and the stress of them all, I am full of gratitude because of how I'd been prepared. Had my depression, a very hard, yet different and separate experience than these new emotions, still existed, I am afraid for the blow it would have caused.

Still, my fall was hard. And so much of it was the result of fear.

I was very afraid for my girls, ages ten and four. What would their lives become like? How would they deal with the grief? For now, all they knew was that Daddy had moved for work. How would they respond to the shock that I would not be moving back in with them to be a together family like before? I hated the answers I conjured up when I faced these questions.

I was afraid for my wife. I was afraid for her and the decisions she was making. So many I didn't agree with. It is hard to rein in the wandering mind when it walks down dark alleys and dead ends that seem so real.

And I was afraid for myself. I had just returned to work full-time seven months earlier. What opportunities awaited when I returned to be closer to my children? I had moved two hours away for a good job. Would I be able to find another one in the stagnant local economy I was moving back to?

And there was no more safety net. From having another person to lean on for comfort, stability, and security--someone to fall back on and take the lead when you have to. No more. That was especially hard for me because I had leaned on my wife far too much during our marriage, becoming dependent on her in many ways. I now had to unlearn this and stand on my own two feet, afraid to fall.

These scary thoughts and others coursed through my mind for hours that night until I prayed for help.

In my church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saints, not just the lay minister speaks from the pulpit. He assigns a topic to willing members who will then give a talk. Earlier in the day at church a friend of mine had given a talk on gratitude. He had no way of knowing the profound effect his talk would have on me. It has changed the course of my life.

Among other things related to the topic of gratitude which he spoke on, he spoke of keeping a book of remembrance. A book of remembrance is a journal or record of important events in one's life that is to be given to one's posterity.

When I heard my friend mention this I had a peaceful feeling inside and immediately knew I was supposed to begin keeping such a record.

Laying there that night after I gave a simple plea for help, that still, small voice whispered for me to turn on the light and get out my notebook and pen and begin my record. 

From the beginning of keeping this record, I have been inspired to record the blessings I've received, including spiritual promptings, answers to prayers, and treasured memories with my girls and other family members.

On few occasions--usually when in need--I've also been gifted with a treasure from God in the form of a letter. This is the spirit of revelation and my hand serves only as scribe as the Spirit dictates.

Such was my first entry that restless, sleepless night. I feel prompted to share a portion of that letter here:

Chris,

I have set this whole thing up for you. I have provided--am providing--you with a tremendous opportunity for growth. I have been with you every step of the way, pouring out relief, comfort and love to you. Seek to see the blessings I have already blessed you with. This letter is an example. Here are but a few others: the talk on gratitude today... Gratitude is key in your situation because you feel desperate or alone, causing much anxiety. 

I love you and have been with you from the beginning--through all the angels who have helped and are helping you. Brother "Michaels" and his companion visited you today, providing comfort and hope. You received comfort through the blessing they gave regarding your children. Your children will be a very active part of your life. You also received more instructions today, very specific ones: Keep a book of remembrance, immerse yourself in the scriptures--even when grieving, as you will find meaning and purpose for your life. I am saving you money: you have a place to stay now for as long as you need it (until you find your new home). Truly, this is from me.

Today in church you were asked by five different people how you were doing. You were encouraged by three others. You got an appointment to look at a house tomorrow, $ in the bank, more to come. You get great advice from your friend in terms of shutting off your grief. And how about those hugs, huh? Surprised you, I know. You've got these comfort blessings. Countless others are praying for you. Trust me--it's countless. 

Physical: Look at your faithfulness in changing your diet. I'm helping you here, too. You're doing well with this--even lost a notch on your belt. Keep eating healthy natural foods. 

As for your spiritual: Here is where you've really been thriving--great work! (I was blessed with much encouragement and reassured of things I'm doing which were pleasing to the Lord.)


And how about that cognitive therapy? I tried before but you just weren't ready--that's okay. And yeah, you can say it would've been nice had you been ready before--but it's okay. Everything happens for a reason. And I have an infinite amount of backup plans for you and each of my children. 

You must look daily at the details of your life. I am in them. I have been leading you along since your birth. I'm limited by your eyes. By what you are willing to accept. The hardest part of my job is withholding blessings because you're not ready. Be ready!! Be ready by looking, by remembering, by being grateful. Continue this letter. It will continue on through eternity if you let it. 

Oh, and your hands? You need to ask me about that. Do not delay. I'll help you get that taken care of. I'm a fixer--a healer. You can't lose with me on your side. And guess what? I'm on your side. You just need to keep asking. And keep recording. 

There's also the car--like how I did that? Tender mercy, that one. (This was in reference to a car I had wanted to sell, but instead crashed and totaled, obtaining far more money than I would have by selling it.) Set you up rent-free for eight months in Evansville, too. Count your blessings, son! I'm here for you. And you already see your separation needed to happen. 

Instructions: Remember me. Be grateful for everything. Reach out to others and ask for help--you need help and others need to help. This is how the gospel works in a community of saints. "You lift me, I'll lift thee, and we'll ascend together." Spend time--quality time--with each of your daughters. They crave it. Read scriptures and pray with them. They need your example and thrive with you in their lives. You are a good father. Repent when you mess up--it's a joyful process, repentance is. Keep writing this letter. It is how you will remember all I am doing for you. It will give you confidence and help you trust in me. Lean on the divorce group for comfort and advice. So many people there need you, too. Share your wisdom with them.

You fear stopping writing. It's okay. Get more sleep now. Remember to write tomorrow about what I've done for you during the day. I'll be here. I'm always here.

There is a difference in a life when one feels tossed about like a wave on the ocean during a severe storm and in the life of one who feels guided and directed, brought to the place where one is now, as if by divine design. I began the night feeling like the former. And ended it feeling like the latter.

I recently taught a lesson at church that was based upon a talk given by one of the leaders of my church. It is called "By Divine Design," and echoes this beautiful truth. It is powerful and I believe worth a listen.

I know that the life I am living is a life of divine design. It is a precious gift from a loving Heavenly Father who has taken my hand and is leading me along through each day.


This powerful hymn, "How Firm A Foundation," sung by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, almost reaches the joyful expression in my heart, particularly the 3rd verse.

My "Ocean Journey" Has Begun

The Walt Disney movie Finding Nemo is about a clown fish who goes halfway around the world in search of his son. In one of the scenes an ocean current carries the father and a friend to his desired destination in search of his son. All he has to do is swim into the current and it takes him there. To be sure, it is far away. But once he's aboard the steady stream of warm water, that's it. With patience, like magic and almost without effort, he arrives.

For some reason this scene keeps replaying over and over in my mind. I haven't watched the movie in a long time. But for the last few weeks it has, without effort, replayed itself in my mind again and again. 

But there is a variation to this scene when I see it in my mind's eye. In it, I am there in the ocean with the current flowing just within my reach. Sometimes it is behind me. Other times, beside or in front of me. But the significant difference is that it is ever present before me. No matter where in the ocean I may be at any given moment, the current is always accessible. I am never so far that I cannot reach it. It is simply always there.

Yet the effort to enter its flow is mine to make. I cannot accidentally swim into it or enter therein by chance. Only by consciously choosing to enter may I do so.

What if life is really like this? What if there really is such a warm, safe place that once entered into, will take us, seeming without effort, to where we want to go? 

I admit I have guile. For I know that such a path actually does exist. I do not question it like I used to. For I have been led to this path.

Before finding it though I have spent all my adult life swimming a line parallel to this ocean current, in search of it, occasionally entering it and being carried along by it's graceful flow, until it spits me out during some turn, some zig or zag. 

At least that's how I see it. But I know in reality it's me who has left the current, again and again, often swimming into, then out of, its warm embrace.

It's the guidance I've been searching for for almost as long as I can remember.

Have you ever known a person who has it all together? A person for whom life comes easy? Someone who knows what he wants and seemingly without effort obtains it? Such a person doesn't equivocate or vacillate. People like this are decisive and full of self-confidence. They are quick to laugh, or when appropriate, to cry. They just seem well put together. Some of these, I believe, are being carried by the current toward their destination. These people are full of energy and light and they light the way for others.

I have never been that person. I learn my lessons the hard way. Not because I want to. I just do. It seems to be my chosen lot. At least until now.

I don't think I've ever sleepwalked in my life. But I have been sleepwalking through life. My eyes have been closed to things around me. Then suddenly a wall appears before me. Bam! I feel it before I see it. Story of my life.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not fishing for pity. I use to. But not anymore. 

After all, I have known for a long time I've been a sleepwalker. But I have also known there had to be a better way. I knew there was a better way! I just couldn't find it.

But not for a lack of searching. 

Being a book person, I have looked for a better way along the shelves of many new and used book stores wherever I've lived or traveled. I could spend hours at a time looking for that one book that would give me internal peace, only to leave empty-handed and feeling empty inside.

Or I would leave with a handful of books, only to never read them. 

But I have searched in many books for answers to the questions of life. I have read many self-help books over the years, trying to fill the emptiness in my soul. It never would be filled through those books, though.

I have also filled many journal pages. They were never about the happenings and memories of the day. Instead, those pages were filled with a desperate hunger, a searching quest for an end to the internal strife I suffered for years.

One such question I pondered on paper was, "Am I stupid?" It makes me cringe thinking about it now. I spent days on this one, possibly weeks, furiously writing out all the evidence for and against, checking against this known fact and that one, ultimately coming to a happy conclusion. I was healed! 

At least until a short while later--probably a few hours--when once again, my mood sunk. 

And so it went with other self-inflicted labels. Off they came, one by one, until I could find no more. And though I did experience some healing, there was always something that remained. 

Except for my wife. She would not remain. And who could blame her? I was too busy trying to fill the hole in my soul to be too concerned with her.

Ditto my second wife. 

But I've digressed.

I'm no longer sleepwalking though life. My eyes have been opened. I have entered the warm embrace of the ocean current again. And I know how to stay inside its safe confines now.

It began with this painful opportunity.

Then the hole in my soul was healed.

I was given little choice, really. It's hard to stay sleepwalking for long when you are handed your life back by your wife, who in effect says, "Uh-uh. Yeah, that life I had with you? I don't think I can stomach it anymore." (These are my words, my interpretation of her actions. She would be mortified at the thought of saying something this hurtful.)

So here I am. I've been awakened, blessed to be carried by the ocean current to a new destination. A grand destination I cannot imagine.

I know there will be times when I will exit the safe hold of the current. That's life and I'm human. But I also know that through God's grace that same pathway will always be in reach. 

Every post I publish I do so with ambivalence. The challenge for me is to not focus on myself. How to accomplish such a thing when I am including such personal details I really don't know. I can only trust the grace of God that I may accomplish this. For I know that as I trust myself I fail. And as I trust in Him I succeed. 

*His pure love is the destination. His word is the ocean current. 

Ask And Ye Shall Receive

I wrote the following this morning while sitting at the edge of Little Grassy Lake.

Just about two miles from my home out in the country, I am sitting atop a frozen log at the water's edge of a quiet lake. It is hard to write in 30 degree weather. But it is peaceful here. I hope to make this a habit--bicycling here as I have done this morning. 

When I arrived there was a man readying his boat for the water. I would have preferred he not have been here. I came for solitude and quiet. 

The cars driving by on the nearby road are also disruptive. And my backside is cold as I sit on the uneven log, my ankles crossed to support the most comfortable position my legs could find. 

But there is beauty all around. The lake is picturesque, the edge crusted with long ice crystals which appear as shards of glass randomly strewn over and under each other, overlaying the clear brown ankle-deep water. Mere feet beyond the icy edge, the sunlit surface shimmers from a gentle breeze I barely feel on my face. Now it is quiet, until a far away bird caws.

Not an hour ago I sat in my warm bed and opened my old ugly red-plastic-coated laptop. Because I am weak and do not trust myself I said a quick prayer: "Father, should I write?"

Had I not asked and listened, I would not have felt the whispered reply, "Go for a bike ride."

My breath catches as I now write this because I am so grateful for His merciful answer. In the past, I would not have asked, knowing that I might receive an inconvenient answer. After all, I wanted to write. Even now I remember hesitating before asking this question. 

Slowly, day by day, even moment by moment, I am learning that if I trust in the Lord and ask of Him, then follow His gentle instruction, I receive far more than what I could have wrought myself. Instead of remaining in my room, I've been blessed to be able to exercise--a habit I'm trying to develop. And the scenery is beautiful. All is still, as if asleep. Except for the geese, slapping the water, now the air, as they take flight against the quiet, their horns piercing the calm.

I use to scoff at nature-types who spoke adoringly of the outdoors. I have always been an indoor-dweller, reading and writing from within the comfort of my four walls, exploring the realm of the mind. Who knew there was so much more out here?

This is my third time visiting this lake since Chris 3.0 (my transformed life). When I came last week I lay with outstretched legs and arms upon the small nearby pier for a long time, floating on the water, eyes taking in the bright blue sky.

My pier at Little Grassy Lake

The world around me expanded and I felt small. I thought of the scripture where Moses said, "Now for this cause I know that man is nothing, which thing I never had supposed." Though my context is different and far less glorious from what Moses beheld, I can nonetheless agree that man is nothing when compared to the glory of God. 

My problems seem to diminish when I come here. It is as though God is saying to me, "Who are you and your so-called big problems? You are but a speck upon my creations. Take a look around and see what I've done. Stop being so self-centered and get with the program--My program--and learn of me. I'll make a whole lot more out of you than you can ever imagine."

And to think, right now I could still be writing from my bed. 


I couldn't resist a return visit this evening.
 

My Depression is Healed

I was awakened by my daughter, Bethie, during the night who then joined me in bed. I had not intended to write anything today because I am with my girls. Funny how the Lord works wonders through others, however, and most often through our loved ones. Against her mighty will I later gently put her back into her bed. It was then that I felt prompted to not return to sleep. I was directed to write a few words. My heart is overflowing with gratitude. This is what I wrote. 

(Note* I would be honored to hear from you with any comments or questions. And if you feel so impressed, please share far and wide. Many thanks. I dedicate this post to my littlest girl.)



My life of miracles began before I stepped into my new home in Evansville, Indiana. My eyes were simply not opened. Getting separated from my wife and two beautiful daughters was the first miracle.

I believe that God talks to each of us constantly through His spirit. Whether we hear Him is up to each of us. I know without a shred of doubt He has been talking to me. Only when I learned to hear Him did I begin to see the string of miracles that were right before my eyes. This is how I know that I myself am nothing without Him and that with Him nothing is impossible.

Just 10 months ago I was up the creek without a paddle. I had just moved two hours away from my wife and two children. I had a new job, knew no one, and was depressed, grieving, and confused. Having battled depression and severe mood swings and thoughts of low self-worth for all my adult life as well as my teen years--pretty much three decades--and here I was in a new place, with that history, and a goal of making my family whole again. I didn't know much, but I knew if I was to succeed with getting my wife back and making my family whole again I had to take care of me first.

At least I had that permission. It made it easier to be okay with focusing on me when Elisa encouraged me to go and get better. Now I just had to figure out how.

The saying that a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step I believe is true. Perhaps my first step was realizing I did have some blessings. First, I had the luxury of free housing, thanks to my father-in-law who allowed me to stay in his vacant house for as long as I needed to. Second, I really did feel free to focus on myself. I was good at it and had been doing mostly just that all my life--hence one failed marriage and another on the way. But never before had I really felt justified, only full of guilt. I now knew that my purpose was to heal myself or be healed somehow, someway.

With my mind at ease from no bills--thanks to Elisa back home, and her dad as well--and a full-time job doing something I enjoyed and felt confident in, I had a secure temporal foundation upon which to operate.

I wish I could say I made wise decisions right off the bat. Really, I didn't. I indulged a little at the start, not being wise with my money, eating out all the time, being somewhat self-indulgent because of inertia. It was just the way I was already going.

At the same time I did seek answers through a self-help book or two. I bought a book on attachment theory, a theory that resonated with me as its theme regarded how one relates to other people. I sought to understand myself and how I related to others through this new lens and obtained a bit more understanding of why I have always had dysfunctional relationships.

I also bought a couple other books on fixing relationships and read through them somewhat, sharing with Elisa occasionally what I'd discovered. But these books just weren't quite right. They didn't address the problem--which was me, even if I didn't fully realize it yet.

But my break came a month or two into my new life. It occurred as miracles often do--through another person.

One of my greatest blessings throughout this time of turmoil and trial was being able to return home to my family every weekend. Because I was able to do this, I pulled much strength from the members of the church I had known for the last couple years as I continued to attend during this time.

While many knew of my plight and others did not, I felt love and support by everyone. My gratitude and deep love toward my Latter-Day-Saint family in this place is limited only by the limits of my mortal heart. I cannot imagine my heart being filled with a greater love for the many good people who have loved me through innumerable acts of kindness and charity and encouraging words.

I was invited by one sweet sister--in our LDS community we often refer to each other as brothers and sisters--to speak with her husband who she thought may be able to help. I did, and he did.

He shared with me a book that he had found much benefit from in his own life. As we met a time or two in private, he thumbed through the worn out pages of this book, showing me the practical applications and exercises it contained. He also told me of the author's website. What a simple thing it was. How thankful I now am for this simple act of kindness. For it contained the key I needed to heal my three decades' worth of mental illness.

The book was called Feeling Good, by David Burns. It is a groundbreaking classic in the field of mental health and I now know it has helped to heal many people.

Of course I did not understand at the time the significance of what I was shown. Though I had obtained a copy of the book, its denseness--perhaps coupled with some of my own--discouraged me from diving right in.

So I continued reading some of the other material I started with and occasionally referred back to Feeling Good. I did eventually purchase an audio file of the book, which allowed me to digest a great deal more of it during long trips back home during the weekend.

But it was when I began searching the website that things began to click. I discovered that the science behind his brand of therapy, cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), had greatly improved. There was something new called TEAM CBT and it was like CBT on steroids. I knew enough about mental illness and depression through experience to believe that I just might have found the holy grail of therapy.

For the first time ever I actually believed healing was in my near future. Now I just had to find a therapist who practiced this stuff.

Because of the newness of the therapy there are relatively few who do practice it. And the great majority of them are based in California, where Dr. Burns, himself, though mostly retired, has led training and research. But those who do are absolute gifts from God. This may sound hyperbolic, but the goodness and relief I have found from all my suffering is proof that God's merciful hand is in this work.

The great blessing of my healing happened over the course of about three months with intensive work face to face over the internet with a therapist in Washington state. We met online from between two to five hours a session (once I think we even did seven hours in one day!) usually once a week to do the hard work.

At $150/hour, some might see this as expensive. To me, it was just another evidence of God's love to me that, thanks to Elisa and my father-in-law, I was able to have the financial means to become well.

To say the least, the treatment was profound. I don't know much of zen or buddha, but I believe I understand a bit more of the enlightenment spoken of when one thinks of these entities. What healed were my feelings of low self-worth, my feelings of inferiority, depression, sadness, anger, and every other dysfunctional feeling.

Along with my healing came understanding. I was not healed in ignorance. My thoughts became clearer. I understood that my negative thinking and beliefs toward my self fueled the troubled emotional waters that in me had never been settled. They were settled now.

At my highest point of healing I experienced eight straight weeks of pure joy. I was on cloud nine and I knew for certain ignorance was not bliss. For I was full of knowledge and had an enlightened mind and deep understanding of things as they really are. I was experiencing tremendous joy and true friendship at work with my coworkers and everyone else around me. Never before had I come close to living the life of joy I was now living.

Thirty years of depression, ups and downs, and intense guilt and shame were all truly gone. And they still are. And I know why and how they were removed--giving me confidence for the future when I get depressed again.

I am a witness of God's mercy and grace and love. He has done all this for me. And so much more. He truly has the power to heal every hurt, wipe away every tear. He has done so for me. None of this is my doing. All I did was access His power. And it is marvelous to behold. 

A Miracle Dismantled

Little more than 14 years ago I became a free man. On December 31, 2003 my divorce from my first wife was finalized. I had been married for eight years, the last 20 months of which had been spent being separated. Four months after the separation began I sloughed off the job I had come to hate and took on a new career as an over-the-road truck driver. I had always wanted to drive a truck. My opportunity came. Having been thrown into a storm not of my own choosing, other life decisions came much easier. The shackles of fear that had once bound me had been broken off and I began life anew.

I spent the next two years of my life driving and crying. When Sunday evenings rolled around and my two small children were taken back by their mother I took my packed bags and headed to the hub where my truck sat waiting for me.

By mid-week I was back in town for an evening to spend a few hours with my kids before packing up and heading out again. If I was lucky I'd get back early on Friday so I'd have more precious time to spend with them during the weekend. And so it went for two years.

Ever since my teenage years I have often felt an inner knowing that things will work out for the best. It was a hidden, yet optimistic resiliency rooted somewhere within me that felt distinctly separate from myself. It was its own entity and it guided me, providing reassurance and peace. As my separation persisted and I became more aware that there would be no reconciliation, I felt the peaceful motions of this little engine. Look forward, it would say.

This little engine, as I came to call it, directed me in changing my career and fit me into the specific job I needed in order to balance my weekend dad status and still earn a decent living.

Once I was securely placed vocationally, it was slowly revealed that I would not be alone for long. I knew that I would remarry and there was peace in that knowledge. For I knew that it was according to my Father's plan for me.

The time I spent driving and crying is a time I will always cherish. During this time the Lord provided me with the opportunity for my heart to hurt, then to heal. Many a day over the road was spent with the saddest music I could find on perpetual repeat for hours at a time. The tears flowed, and for my kids, my heart broke.

Through all the tears of those many long days and nights passing time while passing through God's creation, I was healing. The fallout of the divorce was bitter and I was afraid I was losing the affection of my children and could do little. It would get much worse on that front as time wore on, but for now I was truly healing and rediscovering a confidence I had never before experienced.

This newfound confidence coincided with the anticipation that I would be ready to date as soon as the ink was dry. To that end I was preparing and being prepared to know exactly what qualities I wanted in my next companion.

Yet I was in no hurry. I waited patiently for the day the divorce was final, holding out hope until the very end that despite the prevailing bitterness my marriage would be saved.

It was not to be.

A copy of the divorce decree arrived in the mail shortly after the new year with a dated stamp of "December 31, 2003". With sadness and gratitude and likely a plethora of other emotions I can no longer remember, I do remember feeling peaceful that I had given my all and had no regrets. I was also excited and confident about dating again because I had been blessed to know exactly what I wanted in my future wife.

Fourteen years later as I summarize and recall what was nothing shy of a miracle, I am still very much in awe that I found exactly who I was looking for. Words still escape me.

I wonder now what my fourteen year ago self would have thought had he been told that this marriage, too, would eventually end in divorce.

It seems ironic that what brought my wife, Elisa, and me together was a miracle and now that our family is being dismantled I am seeing miracles again. A day late and a dollar short it seems. Where were all the miracles that would have saved this union? But that is "why me?" territory and what has been happening in my life fills me with tremendous gratitude--at least most days.

The aim of this blog then is to chronicle the tremendous blessings I've received from God while enduring another heartbreaking divorce. My fear is that I will get in the way. My hope is that the light of the world, which is Jesus Christ, will shine through my weakness as I reveal what great works He has done in my life, despite my best efforts to muck it up. If you are reading this I sincerely ask that you pray for me to be able to accomplish this.