Has My ADD Been Healed?

Only as I finished writing this is it dawning on me that my ADD has been largely healed--and will remain so upon the condition that I rely on His grace. For,  

"...if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." 

--ETHER 12:27 

I had a wonderful day at the temple two days ago. Had only planned on being there for a couple hours. After a couple promptings, however, it turned into a full day of worship. While tired from fasting and service, it was a day of peace and my heart overflowed with gratitude. 

 

I awoke yesterday morning to some loneliness at having no companion with me to share this experience. In my scripture studies I read Matthew 7:7-8 (...ask and it shall be given you). 

I felt prompted to ask about my prospects for a future companion. 

He replied by telling me that, though less than ideal, I was still married and to not ask more about this topic until I was no longer married. 

What a loving rebuke! Even as I prayed, part of me hoped for this kind of non-answer. There is so much work I have to do on myself right now that I know it would do me no good to speculate on what my future holds. He knows how much I can handle and will not allow me to see too far into the future. 

He knows that I cannot handle too much distraction. 

I cannot believe I have lived all my life being so easily distracted by so many outside pushings and pullings. Many things always tugging me this way and that. If you have ADD and understand the difficulty of sitting still, focusing on one thing at a time, then you get what I'm talking about. What an impossibility!

Only it's not.

Since I've been going through this spiritual rebirth, it is as though blinders have been put outside my eyes. When I walk into my empty house from a long day at work, I no longer see bills, messes to clean up, things that need to be fixed, questions about what to prepare for tomorrow. In short, I no longer feel harangued by a thousand little--and some big--things to take care of. 

I see One Thing. It might be to prepare dinner. Or wash the dishes. Whatever it is, it is always One Thing. When that One Thing is complete, there will be another One Thing. He knows I can handle One Thing at a time. So it's as if He funnels it all into a bottleneck, where I take up that One Thing. Then onto the next.

Each thing on my to-do list is standing in line and must take its turn. They may have entered my life, but they are now required to take a number and wait. The tail is no longer wagging the dog. Mostly. I'm okay with mostly.

It sounds odd as I write this. How can you force your troubles to stand in line and take their turn? I don't know how He does it, but I think of the term quickening. It is a gospel word I do not understand well. I just now searched and found that it means to change a person so that he can be in the presence of God. 

This is not what I mean. I've always thought of the word quickening to mean not one unnecessary thought.

To use an analogy, good writing is considered tight, focused, without any useless or unnecessary words. I love good writing. Who doesn't? 

My thoughts have become like good writing. There are so fewer useless, unnecessary thoughts it amazes me.

As I imagine this, it is so powerful. I know that it does not come from me. It is yet one more gift. I have received so many gifts I am humbled.

And these gifts are so individual, so very practical. They collectively tell me that God knows me and He loves me and wants me to be happy. 

What is He doing in your life right now that shows you He knows you, loves you, and wants you to be happy?

A Letter From God

On the night of November 19, 2017 I could not sleep. I lay awake, my mind racing for hours, thoughts tumbling over each other, refusing to be caught. 

I had a lot to think about. My life was in flux. Within two weeks I would be leaving a secure job, great friends, looking for work, finding a new place to live, working out child custody specifics with a separated spouse, continuing my grief journey, and a slew of other future unknowns. To say I was overwhelmed would be an understatement.

Though blessings had been abundant in this new tumultuous life, each day brought new hills to climb and more pain to endure. It seemed that for every blessing received, a new trial emerged. 

And yet, the Lord blessed me with a time of rest after my depression was healed. How grateful I am in hindsight for that eight-week rest. No doubt He knew of the trial that lay ahead.

Anxiety comes from fear. I didn't know that before. When my wife asked for a divorce I tumbled from the mountain-high perch I'd stood on for eight glorious weeks and fell back to earth full of fear.

I can't remember the order of all the emotions that coursed through me and when. They are a jumbled mess in my mind. There was grief, shock, hopelessness, anger, sadness, fear, and more.

As I remember these emotions and the stress of them all, I am full of gratitude because of how I'd been prepared. Had my depression, a very hard, yet different and separate experience than these new emotions, still existed, I am afraid for the blow it would have caused.

Still, my fall was hard. And so much of it was the result of fear.

I was very afraid for my girls, ages ten and four. What would their lives become like? How would they deal with the grief? For now, all they knew was that Daddy had moved for work. How would they respond to the shock that I would not be moving back in with them to be a together family like before? I hated the answers I conjured up when I faced these questions.

I was afraid for my wife. I was afraid for her and the decisions she was making. So many I didn't agree with. It is hard to rein in the wandering mind when it walks down dark alleys and dead ends that seem so real.

And I was afraid for myself. I had just returned to work full-time seven months earlier. What opportunities awaited when I returned to be closer to my children? I had moved two hours away for a good job. Would I be able to find another one in the stagnant local economy I was moving back to?

And there was no more safety net. From having another person to lean on for comfort, stability, and security--someone to fall back on and take the lead when you have to. No more. That was especially hard for me because I had leaned on my wife far too much during our marriage, becoming dependent on her in many ways. I now had to unlearn this and stand on my own two feet, afraid to fall.

These scary thoughts and others coursed through my mind for hours that night until I prayed for help.

In my church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saints, not just the lay minister speaks from the pulpit. He assigns a topic to willing members who will then give a talk. Earlier in the day at church a friend of mine had given a talk on gratitude. He had no way of knowing the profound effect his talk would have on me. It has changed the course of my life.

Among other things related to the topic of gratitude which he spoke on, he spoke of keeping a book of remembrance. A book of remembrance is a journal or record of important events in one's life that is to be given to one's posterity.

When I heard my friend mention this I had a peaceful feeling inside and immediately knew I was supposed to begin keeping such a record.

Laying there that night after I gave a simple plea for help, that still, small voice whispered for me to turn on the light and get out my notebook and pen and begin my record. 

From the beginning of keeping this record, I have been inspired to record the blessings I've received, including spiritual promptings, answers to prayers, and treasured memories with my girls and other family members.

On few occasions--usually when in need--I've also been gifted with a treasure from God in the form of a letter. This is the spirit of revelation and my hand serves only as scribe as the Spirit dictates.

Such was my first entry that restless, sleepless night. I feel prompted to share a portion of that letter here:

Chris,

I have set this whole thing up for you. I have provided--am providing--you with a tremendous opportunity for growth. I have been with you every step of the way, pouring out relief, comfort and love to you. Seek to see the blessings I have already blessed you with. This letter is an example. Here are but a few others: the talk on gratitude today... Gratitude is key in your situation because you feel desperate or alone, causing much anxiety. 

I love you and have been with you from the beginning--through all the angels who have helped and are helping you. Brother "Michaels" and his companion visited you today, providing comfort and hope. You received comfort through the blessing they gave regarding your children. Your children will be a very active part of your life. You also received more instructions today, very specific ones: Keep a book of remembrance, immerse yourself in the scriptures--even when grieving, as you will find meaning and purpose for your life. I am saving you money: you have a place to stay now for as long as you need it (until you find your new home). Truly, this is from me.

Today in church you were asked by five different people how you were doing. You were encouraged by three others. You got an appointment to look at a house tomorrow, $ in the bank, more to come. You get great advice from your friend in terms of shutting off your grief. And how about those hugs, huh? Surprised you, I know. You've got these comfort blessings. Countless others are praying for you. Trust me--it's countless. 

Physical: Look at your faithfulness in changing your diet. I'm helping you here, too. You're doing well with this--even lost a notch on your belt. Keep eating healthy natural foods. 

As for your spiritual: Here is where you've really been thriving--great work! (I was blessed with much encouragement and reassured of things I'm doing which were pleasing to the Lord.)


And how about that cognitive therapy? I tried before but you just weren't ready--that's okay. And yeah, you can say it would've been nice had you been ready before--but it's okay. Everything happens for a reason. And I have an infinite amount of backup plans for you and each of my children. 

You must look daily at the details of your life. I am in them. I have been leading you along since your birth. I'm limited by your eyes. By what you are willing to accept. The hardest part of my job is withholding blessings because you're not ready. Be ready!! Be ready by looking, by remembering, by being grateful. Continue this letter. It will continue on through eternity if you let it. 

Oh, and your hands? You need to ask me about that. Do not delay. I'll help you get that taken care of. I'm a fixer--a healer. You can't lose with me on your side. And guess what? I'm on your side. You just need to keep asking. And keep recording. 

There's also the car--like how I did that? Tender mercy, that one. (This was in reference to a car I had wanted to sell, but instead crashed and totaled, obtaining far more money than I would have by selling it.) Set you up rent-free for eight months in Evansville, too. Count your blessings, son! I'm here for you. And you already see your separation needed to happen. 

Instructions: Remember me. Be grateful for everything. Reach out to others and ask for help--you need help and others need to help. This is how the gospel works in a community of saints. "You lift me, I'll lift thee, and we'll ascend together." Spend time--quality time--with each of your daughters. They crave it. Read scriptures and pray with them. They need your example and thrive with you in their lives. You are a good father. Repent when you mess up--it's a joyful process, repentance is. Keep writing this letter. It is how you will remember all I am doing for you. It will give you confidence and help you trust in me. Lean on the divorce group for comfort and advice. So many people there need you, too. Share your wisdom with them.

You fear stopping writing. It's okay. Get more sleep now. Remember to write tomorrow about what I've done for you during the day. I'll be here. I'm always here.

There is a difference in a life when one feels tossed about like a wave on the ocean during a severe storm and in the life of one who feels guided and directed, brought to the place where one is now, as if by divine design. I began the night feeling like the former. And ended it feeling like the latter.

I recently taught a lesson at church that was based upon a talk given by one of the leaders of my church. It is called "By Divine Design," and echoes this beautiful truth. It is powerful and I believe worth a listen.

I know that the life I am living is a life of divine design. It is a precious gift from a loving Heavenly Father who has taken my hand and is leading me along through each day.


This powerful hymn, "How Firm A Foundation," sung by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, almost reaches the joyful expression in my heart, particularly the 3rd verse.

My "Ocean Journey" Has Begun

The Walt Disney movie Finding Nemo is about a clown fish who goes halfway around the world in search of his son. In one of the scenes an ocean current carries the father and a friend to his desired destination in search of his son. All he has to do is swim into the current and it takes him there. To be sure, it is far away. But once he's aboard the steady stream of warm water, that's it. With patience, like magic and almost without effort, he arrives.

For some reason this scene keeps replaying over and over in my mind. I haven't watched the movie in a long time. But for the last few weeks it has, without effort, replayed itself in my mind again and again. 

But there is a variation to this scene when I see it in my mind's eye. In it, I am there in the ocean with the current flowing just within my reach. Sometimes it is behind me. Other times, beside or in front of me. But the significant difference is that it is ever present before me. No matter where in the ocean I may be at any given moment, the current is always accessible. I am never so far that I cannot reach it. It is simply always there.

Yet the effort to enter its flow is mine to make. I cannot accidentally swim into it or enter therein by chance. Only by consciously choosing to enter may I do so.

What if life is really like this? What if there really is such a warm, safe place that once entered into, will take us, seeming without effort, to where we want to go? 

I admit I have guile. For I know that such a path actually does exist. I do not question it like I used to. For I have been led to this path.

Before finding it though I have spent all my adult life swimming a line parallel to this ocean current, in search of it, occasionally entering it and being carried along by it's graceful flow, until it spits me out during some turn, some zig or zag. 

At least that's how I see it. But I know in reality it's me who has left the current, again and again, often swimming into, then out of, its warm embrace.

It's the guidance I've been searching for for almost as long as I can remember.

Have you ever known a person who has it all together? A person for whom life comes easy? Someone who knows what he wants and seemingly without effort obtains it? Such a person doesn't equivocate or vacillate. People like this are decisive and full of self-confidence. They are quick to laugh, or when appropriate, to cry. They just seem well put together. Some of these, I believe, are being carried by the current toward their destination. These people are full of energy and light and they light the way for others.

I have never been that person. I learn my lessons the hard way. Not because I want to. I just do. It seems to be my chosen lot. At least until now.

I don't think I've ever sleepwalked in my life. But I have been sleepwalking through life. My eyes have been closed to things around me. Then suddenly a wall appears before me. Bam! I feel it before I see it. Story of my life.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not fishing for pity. I use to. But not anymore. 

After all, I have known for a long time I've been a sleepwalker. But I have also known there had to be a better way. I knew there was a better way! I just couldn't find it.

But not for a lack of searching. 

Being a book person, I have looked for a better way along the shelves of many new and used book stores wherever I've lived or traveled. I could spend hours at a time looking for that one book that would give me internal peace, only to leave empty-handed and feeling empty inside.

Or I would leave with a handful of books, only to never read them. 

But I have searched in many books for answers to the questions of life. I have read many self-help books over the years, trying to fill the emptiness in my soul. It never would be filled through those books, though.

I have also filled many journal pages. They were never about the happenings and memories of the day. Instead, those pages were filled with a desperate hunger, a searching quest for an end to the internal strife I suffered for years.

One such question I pondered on paper was, "Am I stupid?" It makes me cringe thinking about it now. I spent days on this one, possibly weeks, furiously writing out all the evidence for and against, checking against this known fact and that one, ultimately coming to a happy conclusion. I was healed! 

At least until a short while later--probably a few hours--when once again, my mood sunk. 

And so it went with other self-inflicted labels. Off they came, one by one, until I could find no more. And though I did experience some healing, there was always something that remained. 

Except for my wife. She would not remain. And who could blame her? I was too busy trying to fill the hole in my soul to be too concerned with her.

Ditto my second wife. 

But I've digressed.

I'm no longer sleepwalking though life. My eyes have been opened. I have entered the warm embrace of the ocean current again. And I know how to stay inside its safe confines now.

It began with this painful opportunity.

Then the hole in my soul was healed.

I was given little choice, really. It's hard to stay sleepwalking for long when you are handed your life back by your wife, who in effect says, "Uh-uh. Yeah, that life I had with you? I don't think I can stomach it anymore." (These are my words, my interpretation of her actions. She would be mortified at the thought of saying something this hurtful.)

So here I am. I've been awakened, blessed to be carried by the ocean current to a new destination. A grand destination I cannot imagine.

I know there will be times when I will exit the safe hold of the current. That's life and I'm human. But I also know that through God's grace that same pathway will always be in reach. 

Every post I publish I do so with ambivalence. The challenge for me is to not focus on myself. How to accomplish such a thing when I am including such personal details I really don't know. I can only trust the grace of God that I may accomplish this. For I know that as I trust myself I fail. And as I trust in Him I succeed. 

*His pure love is the destination. His word is the ocean current.