Tuesday, January 30, 2018

Ask And Ye Shall Receive

I wrote the following this morning while sitting at the edge of Little Grassy Lake.

Just about two miles from my home out in the country, I am sitting atop a frozen log at the water's edge of a quiet lake. It is hard to write in 30 degree weather. But it is peaceful here. I hope to make this a habit--bicycling here as I have done this morning. 

When I arrived there was a man readying his boat for the water. I would have preferred he not have been here. I came for solitude and quiet. 

The cars driving by on the nearby road are also disruptive. And my backside is cold as I sit on the uneven log, my ankles crossed to support the most comfortable position my legs could find. 

But there is beauty all around. The lake is picturesque, the edge crusted with long ice crystals which appear as shards of glass randomly strewn over and under each other, overlaying the clear brown ankle-deep water. Mere feet beyond the icy edge, the sunlit surface shimmers from a gentle breeze I barely feel on my face. Now it is quiet, until a far away bird caws.

Not an hour ago I sat in my warm bed and opened my old ugly red-plastic-coated laptop. Because I am weak and do not trust myself I said a quick prayer: "Father, should I write?"

Had I not asked and listened, I would not have felt the whispered reply, "Go for a bike ride."

My breath catches as I now write this because I am so grateful for His merciful answer. In the past, I would not have asked, knowing that I might receive an inconvenient answer. After all, I wanted to write. Even now I remember hesitating before asking this question. 

Slowly, day by day, even moment by moment, I am learning that if I trust in the Lord and ask of Him, then follow His gentle instruction, I receive far more than what I could have wrought myself. Instead of remaining in my room, I've been blessed to be able to exercise--a habit I'm trying to develop. And the scenery is beautiful. All is still, as if asleep. Except for the geese, slapping the water, now the air, as they take flight against the quiet, their horns piercing the calm.

I use to scoff at nature-types who spoke adoringly of the outdoors. I have always been an indoor-dweller, reading and writing from within the comfort of my four walls, exploring the realm of the mind. Who knew there was so much more out here?

This is my third time visiting this lake since Chris 3.0 (my transformed life). When I came last week I lay with outstretched legs and arms upon the small nearby pier for a long time, floating on the water, eyes taking in the bright blue sky.


My pier at Little Grassy Lake

The world around me expanded and I felt small. I thought of the scripture where Moses said, "Now for this cause I know that man is nothing, which thing I never had supposed." Though my context is different and far less glorious from what Moses beheld, I can nonetheless agree that man is nothing when compared to the glory of God. 

My problems seem to diminish when I come here. It is as though God is saying to me, "Who are you and your so-called big problems? You are but a speck upon my creations. Take a look around and see what I've done. Stop being so self-centered and get with the program--My program--and learn of me. I'll make a whole lot more out of you than you can ever imagine."

And to think, right now I could still be writing from my bed. 


I couldn't resist a return visit this evening.
 

Saturday, January 27, 2018

My Depression is Healed

I was awakened by my daughter, Bethie, during the night who then joined me in bed. I had not intended to write anything today because I am with my girls. Funny how the Lord works wonders through others, however, and most often through our loved ones. Against her mighty will I later gently put her back into her bed. It was then that I felt prompted to not return to sleep. I was directed to write a few words. My heart is overflowing with gratitude. This is what I wrote. 

(Note* I would be honored to hear from you with any comments or questions. And if you feel so impressed, please share far and wide. Many thanks. I dedicate this post to my littlest girl.)



My life of miracles began before I stepped into my new home in Evansville, Indiana. My eyes were simply not opened. Getting separated from my wife and two beautiful daughters was the first miracle.

I believe that God talks to each of us constantly through His spirit. Whether we hear Him is up to each of us. I know without a shred of doubt He has been talking to me. Only when I learned to hear Him did I begin to see the string of miracles that were right before my eyes. This is how I know that I myself am nothing without Him and that with Him nothing is impossible.

Just 10 months ago I was up the creek without a paddle. I had just moved two hours away from my wife and two children. I had a new job, knew no one, and was depressed, grieving, and confused. Having battled depression and severe mood swings and thoughts of low self-worth for all my adult life as well as my teen years--pretty much three decades--and here I was in a new place, with that history, and a goal of making my family whole again. I didn't know much, but I knew if I was to succeed with getting my wife back and making my family whole again I had to take care of me first.

At least I had that permission. It made it easier to be okay with focusing on me when Elisa encouraged me to go and get better. Now I just had to figure out how.

The saying that a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step I believe is true. Perhaps my first step was realizing I did have some blessings. First, I had the luxury of free housing, thanks to my father-in-law who allowed me to stay in his vacant house for as long as I needed to. Second, I really did feel free to focus on myself. I was good at it and had been doing mostly just that all my life--hence one failed marriage and another on the way. But never before had I really felt justified, only full of guilt. I now knew that my purpose was to heal myself or be healed somehow, someway.

With my mind at ease from no bills--thanks to Elisa back home, and her dad as well--and a full-time job doing something I enjoyed and felt confident in, I had a secure temporal foundation upon which to operate.

I wish I could say I made wise decisions right off the bat. Really, I didn't. I indulged a little at the start, not being wise with my money, eating out all the time, being somewhat self-indulgent because of inertia. It was just the way I was already going.

At the same time I did seek answers through a self-help book or two. I bought a book on attachment theory, a theory that resonated with me as its theme regarded how one relates to other people. I sought to understand myself and how I related to others through this new lens and obtained a bit more understanding of why I have always had dysfunctional relationships.

I also bought a couple other books on fixing relationships and read through them somewhat, sharing with Elisa occasionally what I'd discovered. But these books just weren't quite right. They didn't address the problem--which was me, even if I didn't fully realize it yet.

But my break came a month or two into my new life. It occurred as miracles often do--through another person.

One of my greatest blessings throughout this time of turmoil and trial was being able to return home to my family every weekend. Because I was able to do this, I pulled much strength from the members of the church I had known for the last couple years as I continued to attend during this time.

While many knew of my plight and others did not, I felt love and support by everyone. My gratitude and deep love toward my Latter-Day-Saint family in this place is limited only by the limits of my mortal heart. I cannot imagine my heart being filled with a greater love for the many good people who have loved me through innumerable acts of kindness and charity and encouraging words.

I was invited by one sweet sister--in our LDS community we often refer to each other as brothers and sisters--to speak with her husband who she thought may be able to help. I did, and he did.

He shared with me a book that he had found much benefit from in his own life. As we met a time or two in private, he thumbed through the worn out pages of this book, showing me the practical applications and exercises it contained. He also told me of the author's website. What a simple thing it was. How thankful I now am for this simple act of kindness. For it contained the key I needed to heal my three decades' worth of mental illness.

The book was called Feeling Good, by David Burns. It is a groundbreaking classic in the field of mental health and I now know it has helped to heal many people.

Of course I did not understand at the time the significance of what I was shown. Though I had obtained a copy of the book, its denseness--perhaps coupled with some of my own--discouraged me from diving right in.

So I continued reading some of the other material I started with and occasionally referred back to Feeling Good. I did eventually purchase an audio file of the book, which allowed me to digest a great deal more of it during long trips back home during the weekend.

But it was when I began searching the website that things began to click. I discovered that the science behind his brand of therapy, cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), had greatly improved. There was something new called TEAM CBT and it was like CBT on steroids. I knew enough about mental illness and depression through experience to believe that I just might have found the holy grail of therapy.

For the first time ever I actually believed healing was in my near future. Now I just had to find a therapist who practiced this stuff.

Because of the newness of the therapy there are relatively few who do practice it. And the great majority of them are based in California, where Dr. Burns, himself, though mostly retired, has led training and research. But those who do are absolute gifts from God. This may sound hyperbolic, but the goodness and relief I have found from all my suffering is proof that God's merciful hand is in this work.

The great blessing of my healing happened over the course of about three months with intensive work face to face over the internet with a therapist in Washington state. We met online from between two to five hours a session (once I think we even did seven hours in one day!) usually once a week to do the hard work.

At $150/hour, some might see this as expensive. To me, it was just another evidence of God's love to me that, thanks to Elisa and my father-in-law, I was able to have the financial means to become well.

To say the least, the treatment was profound. I don't know much of zen or buddha, but I believe I understand a bit more of the enlightenment spoken of when one thinks of these entities. What healed were my feelings of low self-worth, my feelings of inferiority, depression, sadness, anger, and every other dysfunctional feeling.

Along with my healing came understanding. I was not healed in ignorance. My thoughts became clearer. I understood that my negative thinking and beliefs toward my self fueled the troubled emotional waters that in me had never been settled. They were settled now.

At my highest point of healing I experienced eight straight weeks of pure joy. I was on cloud nine and I knew for certain ignorance was not bliss. For I was full of knowledge and had an enlightened mind and deep understanding of things as they really are. I was experiencing tremendous joy and true friendship at work with my coworkers and everyone else around me. Never before had I come close to living the life of joy I was now living.

Thirty years of depression, ups and downs, and intense guilt and shame were all truly gone. And they still are. And I know why and how they were removed--giving me confidence for the future when I get depressed again.

I am a witness of God's mercy and grace and love. He has done all this for me. And so much more. He truly has the power to heal every hurt, wipe away every tear. He has done so for me. None of this is my doing. All I did was access His power. And it is marvelous to behold. 














Thursday, January 25, 2018

A Miracle Dismantled


Little more than 14 years ago I became a free man. On December 31, 2003 my divorce from my first wife was finalized. I had been married for eight years, the last 20 months of which had been spent being separated. Four months after the separation began I sloughed off the job I had come to hate and took on a new career as an over-the-road truck driver. I had always wanted to drive a truck. My opportunity came. Having been thrown into a storm not of my own choosing, other life decisions came much easier. The shackles of fear that had once bound me had been broken off and I began life anew.

I spent the next two years of my life driving and crying. When Sunday evenings rolled around and my two small children were taken back by their mother I took my packed bags and headed to the hub where my truck sat waiting for me.

By mid-week I was back in town for an evening to spend a few hours with my kids before packing up and heading out again. If I was lucky I'd get back early on Friday so I'd have more precious time to spend with them during the weekend. And so it went for two years.

Ever since my teenage years I have often felt an inner knowing that things will work out for the best. It was a hidden, yet optimistic resiliency rooted somewhere within me that felt distinctly separate from myself. It was its own entity and it guided me, providing reassurance and peace. As my separation persisted and I became more aware that there would be no reconciliation, I felt the peaceful motions of this little engine. Look forward, it would say.

This little engine, as I came to call it, directed me in changing my career and fit me into the specific job I needed in order to balance my weekend dad status and still earn a decent living.

Once I was securely placed vocationally, it was slowly revealed that I would not be alone for long. I knew that I would remarry and there was peace in that knowledge. For I knew that it was according to my Father's plan for me.

The time I spent driving and crying is a time I will always cherish. During this time the Lord provided me with the opportunity for my heart to hurt, then to heal. Many a day over the road was spent with the saddest music I could find on perpetual repeat for hours at a time. The tears flowed, and for my kids, my heart broke.

Through all the tears of those many long days and nights passing time while passing through God's creation, I was healing. The fallout of the divorce was bitter and I was afraid I was losing the affection of my children and could do little. It would get much worse on that front as time wore on, but for now I was truly healing and rediscovering a confidence I had never before experienced.

This newfound confidence coincided with the anticipation that I would be ready to date as soon as the ink was dry. To that end I was preparing and being prepared to know exactly what qualities I wanted in my next companion.

Yet I was in no hurry. I waited patiently for the day the divorce was final, holding out hope until the very end that despite the prevailing bitterness my marriage would be saved.

It was not to be.

A copy of the divorce decree arrived in the mail shortly after the new year with a dated stamp of "December 31, 2003". With sadness and gratitude and likely a plethora of other emotions I can no longer remember, I do remember feeling peaceful that I had given my all and had no regrets. I was also excited and confident about dating again because I had been blessed to know exactly what I wanted in my future wife.

Fourteen years later as I summarize and recall what was nothing shy of a miracle, I am still very much in awe that I found exactly who I was looking for. Words still escape me.

I wonder now what my fourteen year ago self would have thought had he been told that this marriage, too, would eventually end in divorce.

It seems ironic that what brought my wife, Elisa, and me together was a miracle and now that our family is being dismantled I am seeing miracles again. A day late and a dollar short it seems. Where were all the miracles that would have saved this union? But that is "why me?" territory and what has been happening in my life fills me with tremendous gratitude--at least most days.

The aim of this blog then is to chronicle the tremendous blessings I've received from God while enduring another heartbreaking divorce. My fear is that I will get in the way. My hope is that the light of the world, which is Jesus Christ, will shine through my weakness as I reveal what great works He has done in my life, despite my best efforts to muck it up. If you are reading this I sincerely ask that you pray for me to be able to accomplish this.