Thursday, January 25, 2018

A Miracle Dismantled


Little more than 14 years ago I became a free man. On December 31, 2003 my divorce from my first wife was finalized. I had been married for eight years, the last 20 months of which had been spent being separated. Four months after the separation began I sloughed off the job I had come to hate and took on a new career as an over-the-road truck driver. I had always wanted to drive a truck. My opportunity came. Having been thrown into a storm not of my own choosing, other life decisions came much easier. The shackles of fear that had once bound me had been broken off and I began life anew.

I spent the next two years of my life driving and crying. When Sunday evenings rolled around and my two small children were taken back by their mother I took my packed bags and headed to the hub where my truck sat waiting for me.

By mid-week I was back in town for an evening to spend a few hours with my kids before packing up and heading out again. If I was lucky I'd get back early on Friday so I'd have more precious time to spend with them during the weekend. And so it went for two years.

Ever since my teenage years I have often felt an inner knowing that things will work out for the best. It was a hidden, yet optimistic resiliency rooted somewhere within me that felt distinctly separate from myself. It was its own entity and it guided me, providing reassurance and peace. As my separation persisted and I became more aware that there would be no reconciliation, I felt the peaceful motions of this little engine. Look forward, it would say.

This little engine, as I came to call it, directed me in changing my career and fit me into the specific job I needed in order to balance my weekend dad status and still earn a decent living.

Once I was securely placed vocationally, it was slowly revealed that I would not be alone for long. I knew that I would remarry and there was peace in that knowledge. For I knew that it was according to my Father's plan for me.

The time I spent driving and crying is a time I will always cherish. During this time the Lord provided me with the opportunity for my heart to hurt, then to heal. Many a day over the road was spent with the saddest music I could find on perpetual repeat for hours at a time. The tears flowed, and for my kids, my heart broke.

Through all the tears of those many long days and nights passing time while passing through God's creation, I was healing. The fallout of the divorce was bitter and I was afraid I was losing the affection of my children and could do little. It would get much worse on that front as time wore on, but for now I was truly healing and rediscovering a confidence I had never before experienced.

This newfound confidence coincided with the anticipation that I would be ready to date as soon as the ink was dry. To that end I was preparing and being prepared to know exactly what qualities I wanted in my next companion.

Yet I was in no hurry. I waited patiently for the day the divorce was final, holding out hope until the very end that despite the prevailing bitterness my marriage would be saved.

It was not to be.

A copy of the divorce decree arrived in the mail shortly after the new year with a dated stamp of "December 31, 2003". With sadness and gratitude and likely a plethora of other emotions I can no longer remember, I do remember feeling peaceful that I had given my all and had no regrets. I was also excited and confident about dating again because I had been blessed to know exactly what I wanted in my future wife.

Fourteen years later as I summarize and recall what was nothing shy of a miracle, I am still very much in awe that I found exactly who I was looking for. Words still escape me.

I wonder now what my fourteen year ago self would have thought had he been told that this marriage, too, would eventually end in divorce.

It seems ironic that what brought my wife, Elisa, and me together was a miracle and now that our family is being dismantled I am seeing miracles again. A day late and a dollar short it seems. Where were all the miracles that would have saved this union? But that is "why me?" territory and what has been happening in my life fills me with tremendous gratitude--at least most days.

The aim of this blog then is to chronicle the tremendous blessings I've received from God while enduring another heartbreaking divorce. My fear is that I will get in the way. My hope is that the light of the world, which is Jesus Christ, will shine through my weakness as I reveal what great works He has done in my life, despite my best efforts to muck it up. If you are reading this I sincerely ask that you pray for me to be able to accomplish this. 






No comments:

Post a Comment