I
was awakened by my daughter, Bethie, during the night who then joined me
in bed. I had not intended to write anything today because I am with my
girls. Funny how the Lord works wonders through others, however, and
most often through our loved ones. Against her mighty will I later
gently put her back into her bed. It was then that I felt prompted to
not return to sleep. I was directed to write a few words. My heart is
overflowing with gratitude. This is what I wrote.
(Note* I
would be honored to hear from you with any comments or questions. And
if you feel so impressed, please share far and wide. Many thanks. I dedicate
this post to my littlest girl.)
My life of
miracles began before I stepped into my new home in Evansville,
Indiana. My eyes were simply not opened. Getting separated from my wife
and two beautiful daughters was the first miracle.
I believe
that God talks to each of us constantly through His spirit. Whether we
hear Him is up to each of us. I know without a shred of doubt He has
been talking to me. Only when I learned to hear Him did I begin to see
the string of miracles that were right before my eyes. This is how I
know that I myself am nothing without Him and that with Him nothing is
impossible.
Just 10
months ago I was up the creek without a paddle. I had just moved two
hours away from my wife and two children. I had a new job, knew no one,
and was depressed, grieving, and confused. Having battled depression and
severe mood swings and thoughts of low self-worth for all my adult life
as well as my teen years--pretty much three decades--and here I was in a
new place, with that history, and a goal of making my family whole
again. I didn't know much, but I knew if I was to succeed with getting
my wife back and making my family whole again I had to take care of me
first.
At least I
had that permission. It made it easier to be okay with focusing on me
when Elisa encouraged me to go and get better. Now I just had to figure
out how.
The saying
that a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step I believe
is true. Perhaps my first step was realizing I did have some blessings.
First, I had the luxury of free housing, thanks to my father-in-law who
allowed me to stay in his vacant house for as long as I needed to.
Second, I really did feel free to focus on myself. I was good at it and
had been doing mostly just that all my life--hence one failed marriage
and another on the way. But never before had I really felt justified,
only full of guilt. I now knew that my purpose was to heal myself or be
healed somehow, someway.
With my
mind at ease from no bills--thanks to Elisa back home, and her dad as
well--and a full-time job doing something I enjoyed and felt confident
in, I had a secure temporal foundation upon which to operate.
I wish I
could say I made wise decisions right off the bat. Really, I didn't. I
indulged a little at the start, not being wise with my money, eating out
all the time, being somewhat self-indulgent because of inertia. It was
just the way I was already going.
At the
same time I did seek answers through a self-help book or two. I bought a
book on attachment theory, a theory that resonated with me as its theme
regarded how one relates to other people. I sought to understand myself
and how I related to others through this new lens and obtained a bit
more understanding of why I have always had dysfunctional relationships.
I also
bought a couple other books on fixing relationships and read through
them somewhat, sharing with Elisa occasionally what I'd discovered. But
these books just weren't quite right. They didn't address the
problem--which was me, even if I didn't fully realize it yet.
But my break came a month or two into my new life. It occurred as miracles often do--through another person.
One of my
greatest blessings throughout this time of turmoil and trial was being
able to return home to my family every weekend. Because I was able to do
this, I pulled much strength from the members of the church I had known
for the last couple years as I continued to attend during this time.
While many
knew of my plight and others did not, I felt love and support by
everyone. My gratitude and deep love toward my Latter-Day-Saint family
in this place is limited only by the limits of my mortal heart. I cannot
imagine my heart being filled with a greater love for the many good
people who have loved me through innumerable acts of kindness and
charity and encouraging words.
I was
invited by one sweet sister--in our LDS community we often refer to each
other as brothers and sisters--to speak with her husband who she
thought may be able to help. I did, and he did.
He shared
with me a book that he had found much benefit from in his own life. As
we met a time or two in private, he thumbed through the worn out pages
of this book, showing me the practical applications and exercises it
contained. He also told me of the author's website. What a simple thing
it was. How thankful I now am for this simple act of kindness. For it
contained the key I needed to heal my three decades' worth of mental
illness.
The book was called Feeling Good, by David Burns. It is a groundbreaking classic in the field of mental health and I now know it has helped to heal many people.
Of course I
did not understand at the time the significance of what I was shown.
Though I had obtained a copy of the book, its denseness--perhaps coupled
with some of my own--discouraged me from diving right in.
So I
continued reading some of the other material I started with and
occasionally referred back to Feeling Good. I did eventually purchase an
audio file of the book, which allowed me to digest a great deal more of
it during long trips back home during the weekend.
But it was when I began searching the website
that things began to click. I discovered that the science behind his
brand of therapy, cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), had greatly
improved. There was something new called TEAM CBT and it was like CBT on
steroids. I knew enough about mental illness and depression through
experience to believe that I just might have found the holy grail of
therapy.
For the
first time ever I actually believed healing was in my near future. Now I
just had to find a therapist who practiced this stuff.
Because of
the newness of the therapy there are relatively few who do practice it.
And the great majority of them are based in California, where Dr.
Burns, himself, though mostly retired, has led training and research.
But those who do are absolute gifts from God. This may sound hyperbolic,
but the goodness and relief I have found from all my suffering is proof
that God's merciful hand is in this work.
The great
blessing of my healing happened over the course of about three months
with intensive work face to face over the internet with a therapist in Washington state. We met online from between two to five hours a session
(once I think we even did seven hours in one day!) usually once a week
to do the hard work.
At
$150/hour, some might see this as expensive. To me, it was just another
evidence of God's love to me that, thanks to Elisa and my father-in-law,
I was able to have the financial means to become well.
To say the
least, the treatment was profound. I don't know much of zen or buddha,
but I believe I understand a bit more of the enlightenment spoken of
when one thinks of these entities. What healed were my feelings of low
self-worth, my feelings of inferiority, depression, sadness, anger, and
every other dysfunctional feeling.
Along with
my healing came understanding. I was not healed in ignorance. My
thoughts became clearer. I understood that my negative thinking and
beliefs toward my self fueled the troubled emotional waters that in me
had never been settled. They were settled now.
At my
highest point of healing I experienced eight straight weeks of pure joy.
I was on cloud nine and I knew for certain ignorance was not bliss. For
I was full of knowledge and had an enlightened mind and deep
understanding of things as they really are. I was experiencing
tremendous joy and true friendship at work with my coworkers and
everyone else around me. Never before had I come close to living the
life of joy I was now living.
Thirty years of depression, ups and downs, and intense guilt and shame were all truly gone. And they still are. And I know why and how they were removed--giving me confidence for the future when I get depressed again.
I am a
witness of God's mercy and grace and love. He has done all this for me.
And so much more. He truly has the power to heal every hurt, wipe away
every tear. He has done so for me. None of this is my doing. All I did
was access His power. And it is marvelous to behold.
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