Monday, February 12, 2018

A Letter From God

On the night of November 19, 2017 I could not sleep. I lay awake, my mind racing for hours, thoughts tumbling over each other, refusing to be caught. 

I had a lot to think about. My life was in flux. Within two weeks I would be leaving a secure job, great friends, looking for work, finding a new place to live, working out child custody specifics with a separated spouse, continuing my grief journey, and a slew of other future unknowns. To say I was overwhelmed would be an understatement.

Though blessings had been abundant in this new tumultuous life, each day brought new hills to climb and more pain to endure. It seemed that for every blessing received, a new trial emerged. 

And yet, the Lord blessed me with a time of rest after my depression was healed. How grateful I am in hindsight for that eight-week rest. No doubt He knew of the trial that lay ahead.

Anxiety comes from fear. I didn't know that before. When my wife asked for a divorce I tumbled from the mountain-high perch I'd stood on for eight glorious weeks and fell back to earth full of fear.

I can't remember the order of all the emotions that coursed through me and when. They are a jumbled mess in my mind. There was grief, shock, hopelessness, anger, sadness, fear, and more.

As I remember these emotions and the stress of them all, I am full of gratitude because of how I'd been prepared. Had my depression, a very hard, yet different and separate experience than these new emotions, still existed, I am afraid for the blow it would have caused.

Still, my fall was hard. And so much of it was the result of fear.

I was very afraid for my girls, ages ten and four. What would their lives become like? How would they deal with the grief? For now, all they knew was that Daddy had moved for work. How would they respond to the shock that I would not be moving back in with them to be a together family like before? I hated the answers I conjured up when I faced these questions.

I was afraid for my wife. I was afraid for her and the decisions she was making. So many I didn't agree with. It is hard to rein in the wandering mind when it walks down dark alleys and dead ends that seem so real.

And I was afraid for myself. I had just returned to work full-time seven months earlier. What opportunities awaited when I returned to be closer to my children? I had moved two hours away for a good job. Would I be able to find another one in the stagnant local economy I was moving back to?

And there was no more safety net. From having another person to lean on for comfort, stability, and security--someone to fall back on and take the lead when you have to. No more. That was especially hard for me because I had leaned on my wife far too much during our marriage, becoming dependent on her in many ways. I now had to unlearn this and stand on my own two feet, afraid to fall.

These scary thoughts and others coursed through my mind for hours that night until I prayed for help.

In my church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saints, not just the lay minister speaks from the pulpit. He assigns a topic to willing members who will then give a talk. Earlier in the day at church a friend of mine had given a talk on gratitude. He had no way of knowing the profound effect his talk would have on me. It has changed the course of my life.

Among other things related to the topic of gratitude which he spoke on, he spoke of keeping a book of remembrance. A book of remembrance is a journal or record of important events in one's life that is to be given to one's posterity.

When I heard my friend mention this I had a peaceful feeling inside and immediately knew I was supposed to begin keeping such a record.

Laying there that night after I gave a simple plea for help, that still, small voice whispered for me to turn on the light and get out my notebook and pen and begin my record. 

From the beginning of keeping this record, I have been inspired to record the blessings I've received, including spiritual promptings, answers to prayers, and treasured memories with my girls and other family members.

On few occasions--usually when in need--I've also been gifted with a treasure from God in the form of a letter. This is the spirit of revelation and my hand serves only as scribe as the Spirit dictates.

Such was my first entry that restless, sleepless night. I feel prompted to share a portion of that letter here:

Chris,

I have set this whole thing up for you. I have provided--am providing--you with a tremendous opportunity for growth. I have been with you every step of the way, pouring out relief, comfort and love to you. Seek to see the blessings I have already blessed you with. This letter is an example. Here are but a few others: the talk on gratitude today... Gratitude is key in your situation because you feel desperate or alone, causing much anxiety. 

I love you and have been with you from the beginning--through all the angels who have helped and are helping you. Brother "Michaels" and his companion visited you today, providing comfort and hope. You received comfort through the blessing they gave regarding your children. Your children will be a very active part of your life. You also received more instructions today, very specific ones: Keep a book of remembrance, immerse yourself in the scriptures--even when grieving, as you will find meaning and purpose for your life. I am saving you money: you have a place to stay now for as long as you need it (until you find your new home). Truly, this is from me.

Today in church you were asked by five different people how you were doing. You were encouraged by three others. You got an appointment to look at a house tomorrow, $ in the bank, more to come. You get great advice from your friend in terms of shutting off your grief. And how about those hugs, huh? Surprised you, I know. You've got these comfort blessings. Countless others are praying for you. Trust me--it's countless. 

Physical: Look at your faithfulness in changing your diet. I'm helping you here, too. You're doing well with this--even lost a notch on your belt. Keep eating healthy natural foods. 

As for your spiritual: Here is where you've really been thriving--great work! (I was blessed with much encouragement and reassured of things I'm doing which were pleasing to the Lord.)


And how about that cognitive therapy? I tried before but you just weren't ready--that's okay. And yeah, you can say it would've been nice had you been ready before--but it's okay. Everything happens for a reason. And I have an infinite amount of backup plans for you and each of my children. 

You must look daily at the details of your life. I am in them. I have been leading you along since your birth. I'm limited by your eyes. By what you are willing to accept. The hardest part of my job is withholding blessings because you're not ready. Be ready!! Be ready by looking, by remembering, by being grateful. Continue this letter. It will continue on through eternity if you let it. 

Oh, and your hands? You need to ask me about that. Do not delay. I'll help you get that taken care of. I'm a fixer--a healer. You can't lose with me on your side. And guess what? I'm on your side. You just need to keep asking. And keep recording. 

There's also the car--like how I did that? Tender mercy, that one. (This was in reference to a car I had wanted to sell, but instead crashed and totaled, obtaining far more money than I would have by selling it.) Set you up rent-free for eight months in Evansville, too. Count your blessings, son! I'm here for you. And you already see your separation needed to happen. 

Instructions: Remember me. Be grateful for everything. Reach out to others and ask for help--you need help and others need to help. This is how the gospel works in a community of saints. "You lift me, I'll lift thee, and we'll ascend together." Spend time--quality time--with each of your daughters. They crave it. Read scriptures and pray with them. They need your example and thrive with you in their lives. You are a good father. Repent when you mess up--it's a joyful process, repentance is. Keep writing this letter. It is how you will remember all I am doing for you. It will give you confidence and help you trust in me. Lean on the divorce group for comfort and advice. So many people there need you, too. Share your wisdom with them.

You fear stopping writing. It's okay. Get more sleep now. Remember to write tomorrow about what I've done for you during the day. I'll be here. I'm always here.

There is a difference in a life when one feels tossed about like a wave on the ocean during a severe storm and in the life of one who feels guided and directed, brought to the place where one is now, as if by divine design. I began the night feeling like the former. And ended it feeling like the latter.

I recently taught a lesson at church that was based upon a talk given by one of the leaders of my church. It is called "By Divine Design," and echoes this beautiful truth. It is powerful and I believe worth a listen.





I know that the life I am living is a life of divine design. It is a precious gift from a loving Heavenly Father who has taken my hand and is leading me along through each day.


This powerful hymn, "How Firm A Foundation," sung by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, almost reaches the joyful expression in my heart, particularly the 3rd verse.



















6 comments:

  1. What a tremendous gift! Thank you for sharing it. I'm always here to lend a hand...or an ear. Love ya Brother!

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  2. There are a few people in my life who I keep tucked away in the back of my mind. They are stalwart pillars of light and love who I know are there for me when I am in need. Thank you (and your husband) for being one of these special people to me.

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  3. Thanks for this Chris. I needed to read this.

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    1. Your comment reassures me. Thank you. I'm glad it was helpful to you.

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  4. We are very safe in the Lord's hands, and "in the right place, at precisely the right time," as Elder Rasband says, when we listen to Him. Thanks for writing this, and sharing the video. I needed it right now.

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  5. I found your blog tonight.I recently divorced also had the lesson of gratitude taught to me by the Lord. It was a hard summer trial after trial but I was still smiling. I noticed that is what happens when you are grateful for even your trials, you feel immense joy instead of sorry.
    Thank for this blog. I am excited to read more.

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