The Blessing of Friendship

It has been about three months now since this latest blessing flood has been turned on full blast. It concerns me somewhat because in my new life in the Spirit the ebb and flow of blessings then hard trials seem to alternate every three months (in fact, I just now discovered that if you look at the pattern of my posts since I've begun this blog, you can see when I'm seeing the blessings and when the mists of darkness have surrounded me). Others I know who walk the same path I am on have confirmed a similar pattern as well.

But however long my current high shall last, I only want to testify. I want to testify that God's love is real. It heals. It turns everything--even every past hurt--into the tenderest of mercies. Just a couple days ago I awoke wailing with joy. I had never done this before. This came about because of the blessing of friendship. I wrote briefly about how this came about in my journal a couple days ago:

"Have you ever been asked to do something by the Lord so very hard that it required all the courage you had? Something that you had never done before, something that you had no idea you could do, but you did it anyway because you knew it was the right thing to do? And then you received great joy at having done the thing because the accomplishment of having done it forced you to see yourself in a whole new wonderful way? And it blew your mind?

I have just arrived home from a large Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints singles event in Nauvoo, Illinois. I had the time of my life as I followed the voice of the Lord to me when, prior to the event in one of His temples, He directed me to boldly follow the Spirit and to be a friend to everyone near me. I was blessed with being able to follow His instructions and feel that I have made deep friendships quickly with a handful of very good people whom I now love dearly.

As I neared my home after the five+ hour car ride I began to become sad at the sudden “friend withdrawal” I was feeling. As I further reflected upon the miracle God worked through me to the obtaining of these new friendships, I began to feel a new burden settle in. It has to do with commitment. Now that I have new friendships with people who are very dear to me, I feel tremendously vulnerable and at risk and the natural man in me wants to run into a corner, hide, and never come out and play again. I believe I have just realized that maintaining true friendships require a whole lot more than a single weekend of risking vulnerability. And the terrifying thing for me is that rejection is a very real possibility at any time in the future of these new friendships.

I graduated from high school 27 years ago. I have maintained not one of the friends I made during those school years. I returned from my mission 24 years ago. Again, not one of the special friendships I developed on my mission--whether with companion or convert--has carried forward to the present. I have also lived in some six or seven different locations around the country and world during the last 23 years of my life. I can recall again not one single person who I’ve maintained regular contact with.

Why is this? It is because I have always been ashamed of who I am.

Now, however, because I have accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior and follow Him daily, I have no more shame. Indeed, I glory in His ability to erase such evil from my life. I believe that with His name I can overcome all.

Nevertheless, despite the wiping away of all my shame, the structure it built remains. These are the fears, doubts, and false beliefs I have surrounded myself with in order to create false senses of security and safety.

One of these is the fear of rejection. And while I am very fearful of being rejected, I know that by continuing to follow my Savior’s footsteps as He brings me closer to facing that fear, I will be freed of it.

So I will not retreat into the corner and hide. I will come out and play again with my new dear friends. For above all else, I love them and want them to know they are worth it. It is the desire to keep this, the second commandment, and especially the great first one (Matthew 22: 37-40) that will set me free at last of this fear of rejection."

(end of journal entry)

I cannot remember ever really knowing the blessing of friendship. It is no one's fault. It has simply been my path, caused by my shame. That shame is gone now and as I seek to please God every day in my walk of faith, He has blessed me with friends. It is not easy to convey my gratitude for this. 

I have been a loner all my life. An outcast. A wallflower. A silent insecure observer who never fit in. Oh how I have wanted to fit in!

I fit in now. I fit in now because my personal Savior has believed in me. How one so great can believe in one so lowly as me I cannot explain. To explain it would be to explain the atonement and who can do this? 

I am 45 years old. I have been a nobody all my life. Born the middle child to good but struggling parents. Not a day went by when I did not feel alone, isolated, confused about who I was. Mental illnesses. Three hospital stays in three different hospitals for those mental illness. Lost relationships with my first two beautiful children who still remain distant. I could go on and on.

This is not to say others have not had it worse than me. My Lord has been so merciful to me, even from the beginning. As I look back upon every hard thing I have ever endured I am truly grateful for every cross I have carried, every load I have lifted, every tear I have cried, every confused thought thought. These hard things in my life have become the tenderest of mercies and I would not give one of them back. I so love every loss. I so love every heartbreak. My heart is full from the deep suffering I have endured because of what my Lord has given me in return. He has filled my cup to overflowing that I cannot contain the joy. 

My prayer now is that I may tie the blessings I am receiving to which laws of Heaven I have kept so that I may help all my friends--even every brother and every sister of mine--in their journey back to their Savior. I hope in coming days, months, and years to not just share my story of deliverance, but to share what I did to unlock these blessings. God grant me the light I seek that I may help in His glorious work.