I had lunch today with my ex-wife. She's a wonderful person and my goal was to become better friends with her and to help her see how much I've healed from the heartache of losing her. I have long believed she's felt terrible ever since asking me for a divorce and I wanted for her to be able to let go of any guilt she may have been feeling.
To respect her privacy, I'll just say that our visit went very well, and we both took joy in each other's growth and progress.
Yet for some reason afterward, I felt troubled and was unsure why.
After returning home, I knelt in prayer and asked God if there was anything He wanted me to do. I received an immediate answer to take a walk down to one of my favorite spots--the local dam behind my house.
The sun was shining, the sky bright blue, and my mind was quiet. My heart grew heavy and I began to pray.
As I walked along the highway, then turned into the neighborhood, down toward the lake and its dam, the wind picked up and the water rippled. It wasn't cold, but as I looked out over the water I began to shiver.
I sat down atop one of the many stones which dotted the lakeside and sought clarity. I wondered why I was sad. I prayed for understanding. But the beating wind and chill distracted me.
I looked around and realized the back side of the dam was more protected from the wind. So I stood up, took a few steps into the deep green grass and stepped down into the buffering slope and sat down. I found a comfortable spot and some much needed solace.
I sat a long time seeking understanding, at times nodding off, then awaking. I received understanding as I pondered how I've chosen to live for the last year and a half--with eyes wide open facing the wind.
Just like standing atop the dam looking out over the rippling waves, my face against the wind, I have opened myself time after time to new experiences of learning and growth. In so doing I have chosen a path of vulnerability. From sharing experiences with others through this blog, to creating a fledgling Facebook group with fear and trembling, and above all else to seeking the spirit and striving to follow wherever it leads come what may, I have left the reservation of restraint and charted a course of trusting God.
And He has given me so very much for my very imperfect efforts.
Most recently, as I wrote about in my last post, I've learned what it means to have best friends. He has given me the gift of friendship in a profound way, something I did not expect nor could have imagined bringing me such great joy as it has.
But alas, if there's one thing this journey has taught me, it is that, like the Book of Mormon prophet Lehi taught, there is an opposition in all things.
As I hunkered down the other side--the safe side--of the dam, where the long soft green grass held me sheltered from the wind, it reminded me of God's matchless love and protection from all things harmful.
Indeed, He has sheltered me from all things that would do me harm. He has encircled me in the arms of His love, blessed me with courage, comfort, determination, understanding, spiritual gifts, and every good thing that I have so far sought.
My Savior has been my shelter, my protector, my daily deliverer from things great and small, reminding me time and again that I can change, that I can overcome. He has proven that if I but trust Him by striving my best to obediently follow His will, He will heal me.
Yet He has done so not by having me turn away from the wind and the waves. He has delivered me by standing with me, and facing them right alongside me.
So then why so sad?
Let me not then be sad, but resolute in receiving this good thing my God is trying to give me! Let me not fear what the wind and the waves will do! Let it blow and let them come! Let me not fear the pain and the heartache that comes with all relationships.
But let me trust in Him who is mighty to save. He has saved me every time. Healed every hurt. Dried every tear, even brought me to the great gratitude I feel for every single loss.
As with all hard things, I know there is a path to deliverance and I need only to keep trusting that the path will open before me. I know that He will open it.
So I will face the wind and the waves and whatever pain and hurt they bring. I will bear the burden of friendship and all that comes with it. The sorrow, the suffering, the grief, and the tears, and everything else that comes along with it, whether good or bad. And I will be blessed immeasurably more for having done so.
I do not know why my lunch with my friend, who happens to be my former wife, triggered the sadness I felt today. For I am healed--and so, it seems, is she.
But then the why doesn't really matter, does it? It doesn't really matter why bad things or sad things happen to me or to you. It doesn't really matter why we must hurt or feel pain and heartbreak and loss. None of that matters.
Because all that really matters is that we keep on loving each other, our friends and even those we don't know, in spite of the fears we face. Because in the end, if we keep going, moving forward with faith in a loving God who heals through the blood of His son, we all will be healed. And that will be enough!
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