Sometimes Even His Burden Seems Hard

This post I wrote a few days ago and have for some reason felt hesitant to share. Perhaps it's because it seemed to be more directed at me and my selfishness and less toward God and His blessings toward me. After letting it marinate these last few days, however, and rereading it, I've changed my mind. I believe it shines a greater light on Heavenly Father's goodness and grace because it shows a stark contrast between the selfish, worldly me, and the person I am trying to become through him. The following scripture from the Book of Mormon embodies what I strive for, yet fall short of every day.


Mosiah 3:19

"For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father."

I have an aching back. My hands and arms hurt. I've lost my former life. My wife is gone. I have no plan for the future. I have two girls--two beautiful girls who are my life and I am supposed to care for them. Supposed to take care of their needs. I wake up at five in the morning because I don't trust myself. I read the Book of Mormon and am following the life of Christ in the New Testament because I don't trust myself. And then I pray for the same reason. 

I am an overweight 45-year-old man who has changed a few things. Not because I am capable. I am not. I have gained the six pounds back--six pounds that I'd lost in the last three months. I forget to brush Bethie's hair some mornings before school. Okay, I admit, that one sounds minor to me.

I don't know where I'm going in life. I really don't. 

There's a doctor I want to see with limited hours who I believe can help me if I but remember to call on the day that he's in. I've forgotten to call him for the last five or six weeks--until today. Finally, I remembered. But when I called this evening I was told by a machine that the office was closed. I was wrong about the hours.

This is all about me. These are the ways I fail every day. All the time.  These are the reasons I don't trust myself.

I don't have enough time to do all that I need to every day even though I never watch sports anymore, rarely waste time on the internet, and only watch TV when me and the girls cuddle up to a movie on the couch. That, or like tonight begin to watch an uplifting movie only because I have a need to lay on my prickly acupressure mat for a half hour and I might as well be uplifted if I guess at the right movie.

I don't even trust myself to write because I love it so much I fear doing anything that will lead to selfishness. Wow. That sentence right there really makes me sound crazy. The truth is I live in a spiritual bubble, mostly doing only things I find uplifting and wholesome. 

I don't do the radio except on rare occasions because I'm afraid of losing the Spirit. It's true. About the most worldly music I play these days is a scratched up John Denver cd that's in the slot in my car. And thanks to the awful Carbondale roads and my low quality car cd player the cd sounds worse than it actually is.

I'm living my life like it's tethered to the Lord by a single strand of thread in a windstorm that may, at any moment, be torn or let go if I forget and look the other way.

As I write this I think that it must sound like I'm a spiritual freak. Or that that is what I'm trying to be. I honestly don't know and don't think of it that way. 

The truth is--yeah, and I'm tired of analyzing all my feelings and seeking to understand what it all means. But I need to so...

I don't trust myself right now. Not for nothing. I've got a track record for causing myself and others lots of suffering when I do things with my own pleasure in mind. There's lots of selfishness that has been burned out of me and much more still to go. 

My motivation therefore is to trust in the Savior because He has never failed me. Ever. The times in the past when it felt like He failed me were actually times when I acted on the belief that He failed me which served only to cause suffering. Because of me, not Him. I have broken myself against this principle too many times for me to count.

It's called shrinking. I have spent most of my life shrinking, giving up, quitting. Refusing to get back up right away after failing at something. Then, as if that was proof God was not helping me, He got the blame. My weakness coupled with Satan's brilliance = too many regrets. 

So I've just stopped trusting myself. That's the reason I do what I do. That's the reason I read the scriptures, attend church, pray, attend the temple. I'm keeping my spiritual 'i's dotted, 't's crossed.

I think most people would say it another way: that they trust in God.  

I don't know why I feel more honest saying it the other way. Maybe it's because it reminds me that there's a reason I trust Him. I'm too scared not to. 

The burden in trusting Him has been so much lighter. 

But it's still a burden. That lighter burden--His burden--is the reason I am writing tonight.

It is still difficult. For it means that I don't make plans the same way I used to. It means that I allow myself to not know so many things.

Take for example my decision to quit my last job before obtaining another one. Typically not wise to do so, but this decision felt right and in line with what He wanted me to do. But still it was a hard decision, and burdensome.

A lot of anxiety resulted from that decision--especially as the days passed and I was burning through my savings. Lots of fear of not knowing. That was the main thing. When I quit my job I didn't even know if I'd be serving tables or massaging, holding down one full-time gig, or three part-time puzzle pieces. There was so much not knowing going on for so long it was very hard. 

I suppose that's really what is bothering me right now. It's the not-knowing. There's just a whole lot of stuff about everything that happens to be important to me that I just do not know: the future of my young daughters. Elisa's future. My career aspirations. Financial servitude or mastery. And so on.

And of course I'm not exceptional here. Life is this way for all of us. I think I've just been granted a little more recent opportunity through my trial to have my false sense of security thrown to the dogs. And they've sure had at it.

My hands are up, white flag waving. I am crying uncle. 

So now I have been gifted the opportunity to trust in God. 

I am grateful for this blessing. For even though the things I don't know are overwhelming, they remind me of my weakness and the requirement that I have to turn to God. And I know that He hasn't failed me yet. 

So tomorrow I'll take another step. I'll see if He gets me through the day, or just the next moment. 

And while I do believe He will see me through the next thing, big or small, I don't know that He will. That's why it's scary. 

But the alternative is far scarier. I can no longer afford to trust myself. So my goal is to remember my weakness. And to also remember that God has yet to fail me.